today seemed like a good day to start blogging again

if you're looking for a fun, low-cost way to entertain and enrich your children for the afternoon, you should look further than the arlington country fair.  i took the kids (now almost 5 and almost 2, if you can believe it) this afternoon for rides! games! fun! deep fried oreos!  we could have minded our own business, for free, at the pool, but it's going to be a tough, too-busy weekend for us to make it to the fair, and besides, it's so much better when there aren't hordes of clueless parents like myself toting around hooligan children like mine, as there would be on the weekend.  so, off we went.

a veteran of this fair with hooligan children in tow, i knew what to bring: water, snacks, diapers, and of course, plenty of cash.  we started off with the restrooms (free, although the hand soap had a strong, lingering aroma of vomit -- um, this is foreshadowing ) and lemonade ($5, with refills only $3 all weekend long), and then headed to the kids' corner, where it was surprisingly fee-free for an opportunity for your kids to hurl themselves around the inside of a moonbounce.

when that fun wore off (approximately three minutes later), we headed to the midway for the rides and games.  i bought a sheet of tickets (24 for $20 -- a bargain!), and we made out way over to the sad little choo-choo ride, 3 tickets per go.  there was no one on the ride, and the ride attendant reluctantly hoisted himself up to help us on.  madeleine made a mad dash for the engine, and though hunter wanted to follow, he was sidelined by the attendant, who wanted to measure him first.  sho' enough, the h-man was about an inch too short to ride by himself, so the guy told me i had to ride with him.  i forked over six tickets, but he told me i needed to pay, too.  and i was like, "dude, seriously?  i don't even WANT to ride," but the kids were already on board, pulling imaginary train whistles and whoo-whooing, so what was i going to do?  i joined them, and thought about how this carnival train ride was costing me nine dollars, which is about twice as much as i would pay for a real metro ride, where i would end up someplace better than the grounds of the thomas jefferson middle school. 

when it was over, hunter screamed to stay on the choo-choo.  but at the rate of $9 per three minutes, we'd have been broke in about another six minutes, so i tried to lure him away with the promise of a ride on the next attraction, the sad, broken-down car ride.  after a few more minutes of screaming and a pretty spectacular tantrum on the dirt fairground, he agreed to try out the cars.  we walked over, and yet again, the carnie, taking his job way more seriously than i would have envisioned, propped him up against the "YOU MUST BE TALLER THAN THIS LINE" sign.  i already knew he was too short, but before i could mention it, the guy was like, "sorry, he's not tall enough."  and i was like, "i know, it's ok, i'll ride with him," but the guy was like, "no, he can't ride this ride AT ALL."  and of course, by this time, hunter had already become one with the hoopty fire engine, so there was no way i could have told him no.  the guy eyed me suspiciously, "you're not no cop or nothin', are you?  'cause he can ride if you sit with him, but i ain't gettin' in any trouble."  THIS is what the modern-day carnie is worried about?  if i HAD been a cop, i'm pretty sure i could've have found more on this guy --who looked like he probably stored human heads in his freezer -- than the fact that he let my two-year-old on a dilapidated carnival ride.  six tickets later -- the dude even cut me a break!! -- we were off.  or, more accurately, around and around and around until i thought i might puke (do you prefer i use foreshadowing or premonition here?  what the hell, take your pick).

once that was over, i realized i couldn't bear to do the rides any longer.  i pointed madeleine in the direction of the games, thinking i might be able to entice her with the prospect of a stuffed animal.  (hunter was enticed by no such prospects.  however, the rest of my lemonade, sipped through a bendy straw, seemed to suffice.)  we played a couple of simple games -- all with the "everyone wins a prize" guarantee, and we quickly amassed a herd of stuffed dolphins, unicorns and monsters.  it was fun.  the kids were totally into playing these dumb games and "winning" prizes.  at our last game, madeleine also "won," and the attendant was all, "congratulations! let me get your goldfish for you!"  and it slowly dawned on me, as she headed for a huge plastic barrel to scoop one out, that she was not talking about some stuffed animal, but an ACTUAL, REAL LIVE GOLDFISH.  fucking fuck. 

"here you go!  the directions are on the side of the bag.  enjoy!"  madeleine, wide-eyed, took the bag with her brand-new pet and yelled, "I CAN'T BELIEVE I REALLY WON A REAL GOLDFISH!!!!"

omg.  me, too, madeleine.

as we walked back to the car, my emotions wavered between dread (because "winning" this new "pet" would absolutely result in my explaining the concept of goldfish heaven by the weekend) and extreme pissed-off-ness (OMG, WHAT SORT OF CARNIE GIVES AWAY LIVE ANIMALS AS A PRIZE AND DOESN'T WARN YOU FIRST? answer: carnie folk, that's who).  and also, i tried to be happy for madeleine, because by this point, she was all moony and googly-eyed over her new pet, which she named rainbow.  "mom, i love my new fish.  do you think she recognizes me?  how many times a day can i feed her?  do you think rainbow loves me?  can i take her to camp tomorrow?  can she sleep in my room?  mom, i LOVE my new fish and she loves me, too!"

instead of heading back home for a now badly-needed glass of wine, we detoured to petco to find a new suitable home for rainbow.  by this time, hunter was starving, so he was shoveling cheez-its in his mouth as fast as he could, but madeleine was transfixed by the myriad fish "houses."  i was stymied: pick up the $4.99 no-frills "tank" (knowing this fifty-cent feeder fish would probably only be living there for approximately fifty hours) or spring for the $34.99 disney "little mermaid"-themed set-up?  or something in between?  (can you guess which one madeleine was rooting for?) 

as it turns out, i didn't have to make the choice.  hunter started choking on a cracker, and then, in a dazzling orange eruption, barfed up every cracker he'd eaten in the past 15 minutes (um.  a LOT) all over himself and me.  "EWWWWW.  hunter's VOMITING, mommy!!"  i grabbed some wipes out of my purse, mopped up the puke, and we got out of there. 

after he got home from work and the kids went down to bed, joe graciously went back out to the store to get a tank.  rainbow is now living in a little mermaid aquarium on the kitchen counter. 

oh, rainbow.  for fuck's sake, please stick around with us for a while, ok?